I’m starting to shed people-pleasing.
It’s not that I don’t struggle with people-pleasing anymore, it’s that I’m burned out from people-pleasing, nurturing without reciprocity, caretaking without boundaries, saying yes when I really mean no, and being so apologetic about who I am.
Don’t get me wrong, I still say yes too often, and I still feel that shame about who I am. Even when I say no, I feel super uncomfortable. This transition is really weird.
In May of this year, I had a switch that flipped. A handful of people said things that crossed my boundaries in ways that made me deeply uncomfortable. I remember reflecting the evening and thinking, “why did I just let them say that to me?”
I let myself feel angry.
2020 definitely started to unearth some anger, but that was almost more general anger - anger at the world and at groups of people. This year, I started feeling anger when specific people crossed my boundaries. I started to notice when I had these reactions inside myself and realized that it’s when I feel “walked on” “disrespected” “talked down to” etc.
I still have a hard time standing up for myself. People still say things to me that majorly cross a boundary, and I don’t say much.
But the internal fire kicks in now.
And I haven’t liked it very much!! It makes me feel super uncomfortable. I want to make other people feel comfortable, and when I feel anger at them for treating me in a way I don’t like, that feels… weird.
I have been trying to dampen out these flames of anger within myself, trying to tell myself to focus on love and “good vibes only,” falling into the myth that we have to be “high vibes” all the time to be a good spiritual person.
It was this week that I realized…. FUCK THAT!
Anger can be a gift! And for me, and a lot of people hurt by the toxic patriarchy (ahem, everyone, even men), it’s a gift I haven’t been allowed to have!!!
This anger is the catalyst to healing, to embracing my true self, to being who I really am, to honoring my needs.
I hope this post gives you the permission slip you need to feel the anger waiting for you in a healthy way.