The other day, I was outside and a beautiful leaf caught my eye. Autumn and even winter have become my favorite seasons. To me, they represent coziness, warmth, softness and love. 🍁 Autumn also represents death - physical death, sure, but it can also represent more. Some of my biggest traumas have occurred in October, making it both my favorite month seasonally and one of the hardest emotionally.
Recently, I was even reminded of the new person I have become - or rather, not a new person, but have embraced my true self in a deeper way. 🧡 To do that, parts of myself had to die to make way for this part of me. And during that death, it was hard. It was painful. It was lonely. It also happened during the lockdowns of 2020, so it was also exacerbated by the fear of literal death and also the political uncertainty of the election, as well as collective fear, anxiety, and anger.
Right now, I can feel myself going back into transition again. My boundaries are beginning to get clearer and more present. The way I treat my body is changing. The way I approach my own struggles, as well as others, is evolving. My mindset is beginning to feel unrecognizable from the mindset I held last year. What I want from life is different! How I view life is different.
However, all these changes come with growing pains. It means facing challenges in relationships is how I engage with others changes. It means less being liked and more being authentic. It means the things and activities I engage with are different. It means trauma comes up because I engage with it differently. It means my trauma sits more presently in my body as I try and work with it. It means my inner child is asking for more support because she knows I can give more. It means facing the wounds I have been hiding under alcohol, weed, and sugar, making them appear more present - even though they’ve been there all along.
This leaf now lives on my altar, reminding me that even though Summer is long (my least favorite season), autumn is coming. 🍂 It reassures me that while this season will feel cozy and lovely, it will also feel painful and hard - but that when spring comes, it will all be worth it. 🦋